I know this post isn’t going to generate a whole lot of sympathy. I’m okay with that.  What I’m not okay with is record low temperatures. This is, after all, the Florida Keys– where ice is destined for drinks and salt rims glasses not dusts the streets. Now, Florida is freezing. Maybe not literally, but within a couple of degrees. Bottom line? The Keys are cold, and I’m not sure we have enough rum to soldier through.

I’m sorry, but this is simply unacceptable.

Now, to put it in perspective, when I say cold, I mean mid 40s. Before the rest of the Eastern Seaboard gets all worked up, for South Florida, this is beyond brisk. The average temperature ranges from a low of 66 degrees to a high of 79. So yeah. Waking up to a sub-fifty degree morning requires an extra cup of coffee to ward off the chill. Fortunately, the water temperature is holding strong at 70 degrees.

Hold your snowballs. Lest ye think I’m a winterphobe, let me assure you I am not. I just like to be prepared for cold weather. In Colorado, I’ve had to work patrol in double-digit negatives.  Makes one long for a balmy mid-forty day. I also wore base-layer long johns (Big shout-out to Patagonia and UnderArmor–you warmed my heart), double socks, wool pants, turtleneck, ballistic vest, wool uniform shirt, jacket, gloves, beanie, and whenever possible, a patrol car–preferably one with heat blasting through the vents. Cops, past and present, will always find ways to keep warm, even in the worst elements.

I’m currently considering arson.

In Florida, on the other hand, I wear shorts, tees, and wetsuits. This week, I had to break out my jeans and a sweatshirt. One local attempted to brave the cold with the Floridian tried-and-true winter staple– socks. Regrettably, he was found frozen under a tiki hut. The locals heeded this cautionary tale. They’re now bundled in parkas and Ugg boots. 

Fortunately, the temperatures are predicted to return to the 70s by tomorrow. And not a moment too soon. I’m down to my last lime.

Stay warm, my friends.